Waiting For Our Angel

An Angel is Home

2005-04-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

For the past 5 or 6 weeks I've been physically and emotionally indisposed. My body was at its weakest despite Herculean attempts from my end to make it function well for the baby. Kris did his fair share too and was quite good at nursing me and filling up our pantry with iron-filled bran snacks. Somehow we managed to make it through the early weeks of this ride, 10 weeks to be exact. For how can we not? Our bodies, mind, and soul are one in keeping up with the woes and demands of first-time pregnancies. Couple this with heartfelt prayers every night and we really had it going great.

Sadly, though, our journey towards parenthood was cut short by God's invisible but knowing hands (thankfully, we remain faithful to Him and trusting in His prudence). It was a tough ending, with me having to go through enough pain incomparable to the meanest attack of migraine I have ever known in my life. I didn't realize that kind of pain exists, and there was no way I could have prepared for it. Miscarriage is a disaster no woman dares to prepare for. It is an unthinkable grief beyond the words and wisdom even of ancient Tibet. There's no book or creed to prepare a woman and her other half for the trauma of having to endure the physical agony involved in the process of relieving her body of her dead baby (doctors refer to it as fetus/ fetal tissues) while weighing the odds of crying for mercy or begging for a miracle --- the former to ease the aching of dilation and curettage; the latter to bring the baby back to life. I couldn't quite articulate the gravity of the situation because until now I haven't talked about it to anyone but Kris. Calls from home had to be filtered by Kris whose strength at this trying time was admirable. The words that float through my being are somewhere between my heart and my tongue, sliced into fragments of bitter-sweet memories that made it harder to neither swallow the painful truth about my miscarriage nor speak about it with a grain of salt. I just know I couldn’t carry on a conversation without breaking into tears and self-reproach. Despite my OB’s attempts to assuage my guilt feelings for what happened, and that was literally after I broke down into tears in his room, I put it upon myself to carry the burden of guilt for not being able to carry on my first pregnancy to its full term. Kris, though, is quick to the rescue and never left my side if only to prove that I am loved and well-thought of. That none of it was my fault. That there was nothing else we could have done because every pregnancy is coupled with the risks of miscarriage. We just have to try again and remain faithful to our God.

And that I’m trying to do. Kris’ faith during this time has never wavered but mine bordered into a reclusive sort of way, neither abandoning nor questioning. Distant perhaps, indifferent to the facts offered by science or to the calming power of divine surrender. It just hasn’t sink in yet, and I have to come to terms with it. I know in my heart that I’m not about to succumb yet, never perhaps. But I’m still grieving, living but grieving, looking out on windows for a streak of rainbow or a smile from the heavens, waiting for the sun to radiate peace on my bleak soul. Poignantly pleased, and with little consolation, that despite this heartache, despite the loss, our angel is home.

Morning sickness and Daddy Kris

2005-03-10T14:52:00.000-08:00

For quite some time I've felt nauseated (gee, is this right?) but I've never puked so far. Until this morning. As I went on for my usual toilet trips I suddenly felt this urge to vomit there and then. And there it was: my first morning sickness.

Wonderful. =)

Postscript: b.t.; sleepiness, dizziness, morning sickness!

*************************************

My precious other half. He told me last night he needed to take some money from the bank for something that would arrive this morning. And at 10 AM, the Amazon.com guy delivered two beautifully wrapped items with personalized messages: a comprehensive guide for expectant mothers and the pregnant journal I've been bugging him for days. =) Thanks Mahal!

Warmer days

2005-03-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

It's been really warm for the past two or three days. And somehow I'm beginning to get a grip of the physical changes my body's undergoing lately, changes which I can hardly put here nor there. They're incomprehensible. Hay. But I'm really feeling better now, lesser cramps in my abdomen and lesser fatigue... Baby ko, hang on there ha? Mommy loves you so. And Daddy been really patient to Mommy hehehe...

Postscript: b.p. at night, very mild a.c., b.t.

Better days

2005-03-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

Aside from the fact that I feel like it's getting warmer this side of Japan (which according to some books I've been reading is attributable to my being pregnant and feeling warm quite often), my abdominal cramps took a backseat last night and I felt ok when I woke up. I promised to God to avoid being wicked to Kris and to channel all my unstable emotions to blogging, eating or sleeping rather than shower my poor husband with my verbal punches. I so love my husband. He'd be an adorable daddy I know.

Postscript: b.t.; b.p. at night after doing some household chores.

Wicked me

2005-03-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

I will forever praise God for giving me a patient and loving husband such as Kris. I woke up this day feeling rather bitchy and no else was around to receive my ire but poor Kris. I bashed him with all the wickedness my weak body could muster and he took it all silently. When he went off to work I cried and cried coz' I felt terribly sorry for him and dismayed of myself. I just feel a little unwell and too cheesy and vulnerable... =(

I love you Kris. Hope you get to read this one of these days. =(

Postscript: lesser a.c. and b.p.; but b.p. strikes back really hard at night; b.t., lesser fatigue

A week after

2005-03-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

Exactly 7 days ago we found out that we're going to be parents soon. It was the best thrill of our lives. Now everything's just so different and it's really difficult at times. The changes, the backpains, the nausea, the emotions. But it's all because of the baby, and nothing could be sweeter than that.

Postscript: stopped drinking multivitamins and vit.c; took Fe and folic acid; lesser a.c. and b.p.; b.t. still

Just another day

2005-03-05T17:25:00.000-08:00

Feeling a little worse and a little ok both at the same time. How that is possible I have the vaguest idea. Basta I feel queasy. But I'm relatively ok. Sobra, lagi akong naiinis kay Kris. Yet when I see his helplessness my heart gets torn into pieces. Hay, lambing ng esposo ko...

Postscript: some a.c., lesser b. p., b.t.

A baby on our anniversary

2005-03-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

What better way to celebreate the day than to relish on sweet thoughts about the (still very) little life growing in my tummy. Three years ago today Kris and I were wed in civil rites. It was a strangely funny event, importantly serious - yes, but wickedly fun in a good-sort-of-way. I'll make more kwento about it some other time. For now, I have to rest coz' my little pregnant world is already spinning.

Cheers to us! Cheers to our baby! =)

Postscript: some b.p. and nausea, milder a.c., b.t.

Fatigue from adjustment

2005-03-03T15:21:00.000-08:00

Sabi sa book ay nag-aadjust ang body ko that's why I feel so exhausted all the time. Since yesterday ay nagiging sleepy din ako, at added pa this morning na nahihilo ako. Walang vomiting so far, puro nausea lang.

I have to eat well, do things carefully, and think positive thoughts. Thank heavens Kris checks every now and then and I really feel so loved. Ang sensitive ko lalo ata.

God is so good. For every day that I feel in my heart that our baby's ok, I feel so blessed and fulfilled. God listens. Always.

Postscript: Nausea, dizziness, fatigue, sleepiness, b.t.

Daddy Kris

2005-03-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

Kris is a stage Daddy. Kinukulit nya mga kaopisina nya about what to eat, what to do, where to go, and what-have-yous about being pregnant. Nakakatuwa, nakakataba ng puso knowing that I have someone I love so much who shares the same passion about this baby as much as I do. Kris is so loving. He makes things easier for me and the baby. He has volunteered to do the dishes and laundry from this day on, and promised to vacuum the house every weekend. Shopping ng shopping for food para sa mommy at baby nya. Since last night ay masakit naman ang balakang ko (until now), hinimas naman nya sa gabi. Four days pa lang naming alam na buntis na kami yet sobrang inaalagaan ako ni Kris. I feel so loved and special. I know our baby feels that too. =)

Postscript: Backpains, some abdominal pains, nausea, fatigue, sleepiness, b.t.

The worrier in me

2005-03-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

Since last night ay nagsusumakit ang puson ko. Sabi sa YahooHealth at dun sa binabasa kong maternity book ay normal yun. Pero nakakatakot coz' as far as I'm concerned ay nararamdaman ko lang yun hours or a day before ako magkaron. So lagi lang ako sa bed, nanghihina, nagdadasal, at kinakausap si baby to hang on. Ngayon ay ganun pa din pero I just took solace with my favorite motto na: If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Yun na lang ang comfort ko, knowing na hindi kami papabayaan ng Diyos for as long as I/we do our part. So inom lang ako ng inom ng milk, kumakain ng tama, at hindi nagpapagod.

Hay, these physiological changes will definitely change my lifestyle. I have to be more responsible with what I do, eat, think, drink, and even with how I spend my time. But I have no qualms, I'm loving every painful and joyous moment of this. =)

Postscript: Backpains, nausea, fatigue, sleepiness, some abdominal pains, frequent urination, b.t.

Enter Shime-sensei

2005-02-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

That would be my OB from now. Thank God he speaks good english and is really accommodating. We went at the hospital quite early kasi hanggang 11:45 lang ang outpatients. Was asked to fill out a form. Question #1 asks: What is your illness? My answer: None. I just think I am pregnant. Hahaha!!! Kalokah, so ayun we were asked to wait for a while. As soon as we found a comfy seat in front of the OB section ay naihi ako so I headed for the ladies room. Kakahubad ko pa lang ng zipper ko ay may humihiyaw ng Japanese staff sa labas ng cubicle ko. Tumitili ng Dame!Dame! As far as my limited Nihonggo is concerned, basta ang ibig sabihin ng "dame" ay bawal or huwag. So dali-dali akong lumabas with my unzipped pants and was told some gibberish which I assumed ay "dun ka dapat umihi sa lab. loka kang babae ka, papa-check-up ka kung buntis tapos iihi ka basta.! pano iche-check kung positive ka??!" Hehehehe...

So there, I went to the lab and relieved myself. After a few minutes, I was asked to see the doctor. The nurse asked me if I was alone. Told her that my husband's waiting outside. Then quite surprisingly, she asked Kris to join us. Ang hina ng pick-up ko coz di ko pa din na-realize na the doctor wanted Kris to see the results himself. Grabe, we were so overjoyed, happily shocked, tulala to some extent, kinakabahan to the highest degree, and iyan na naman si Kris, nakangiti all through out by himself!

Shime-sensei then explained some things and asked Kris and I to look into the monitor. And voila --- there's our baby!!! God, it's so teeny-weeny small, 5-6 weeks tops, at sa sobrang liit pa ay di pa marinig ang heartbeat. But the doctor assured us that everything's alright and that our baby's growing quite normal. Talagang ganun lang daw pag wala pang at least 7 weeks. He also assured me na walang problema sa pacing ng growth ng baby so far, and that normal lang at hindi naman ectopic or something. Ang saya namin. I kept on looking back at Kris and there he was, nakangiti lang sya, walang sinasabi, walang masabi. Finally, the doctor told us to come back after 2 weeks for the baby's heartbeat and other developments. He then gave us the printed copy of the ultrasound ata, basta iyon yung may picture ng gestation ng baby namin. He good-naturedly offered us the HcG result. So now I have three pregnancy kit results with me. Hahaha!!!

Gos, we're just so happy. Hindi namin ma-contain. So much so na for 2 nights ay sleepless kami. Puro si baby ang nasa utak namin. Finally, finally God has heard our cries for mercy. He really is a good ang knowing God.

Postscript: Abdominal pains, fatigue, breast tenderness

Confirming my hunch

2005-02-27T15:34:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be a Mommy!!! Took the test twice and both turned out positive. God is so good. =) Kris is so excited and we spent the whole night talking about our plans for our little angel. Hay. We're so overwhelmed with joy.

Postscript: Abdominal pains, breast tenderness, fatigue